04: How I set financial boundaries in romantic relationships
boundary setting is a skill that takes time, mistakes, and effort
The March newsletter is already here!
Let’s get into it.
The appreciation corner
A space where I express five (or more) things I’m grateful for and appreciative of from the month before
sunny days: we had some fantastic sunny days this past month, which made walks that much more enjoyable but also lit up our apartment so beautifully
cultural celebrations: for anyone that celebrates, it was lunar new year and we had a fantastic at-home celebration with friends that consisted of dumpling making and a movie - a perfect way to celebrate while I’m away from home
work trips: there are pros and cons to work trips but super thankful that I was able to visit a city I have not been to since pre-COVID days and re-connect with co-workers
interest sharing with my partner: when either of us are away, one of the *nerdy* relationship things we do is share any media we have been digesting so that when we are reunited we can discuss it together. This time around he shared a few news articles he thought I’d find interesting and I shared 2 podcasts with him
generosity of strangers: One of the big cons from the work trip was the actual travelling - which was a mess. Despite the harrowing journey, it was quite heart-warming to see strangers helping one another whether it was to give up a seat to someone else or offer assistance to a child
How I set financial boundaries in my romantic relationship
A shallow dive (300-600 words) on a specific topic pertinent to the Researching Wealth brand such as personal finance, academia, travel, social media and lifestyle
I feel very grateful to have come to a point in my life where I am able to set boundaries with my people - but it’s difficult to do.
A few months ago I moved into an apartment with my romantic partner after a year and 5 months of dating. This was a significant chapter of my life because it was the first time I would be living with a partner, so there were many conversations we had to have before taking that next step - especially from a financial perspective.
But realistically, this transition was incredibly smooth because we already had a foundation of boundary setting in our relationship.
I’m no expert but these are the factors I believe helped both of us set financial boundaries in our relationship.
Understand what you are financially bringing into the relationship
I’ve spoken about this a few times on my Instagram profile, but my partner and I come from extremely different financial backgrounds and this was something I have been extremely cognizant of since the beginning of our relationship.
On my end, I wanted to be extremely transparent about my financial upbringing and the debt I carry. I endeavoured to be clear about my financial plans, goals, and future career. Lastly, I aimed to share how my finances affect my mental health and how it has affected it in the past (i.e. stress, anxiety, fear, etc…)
I asked him to share his experience in return which allowed both of us to lay everything on the table - necessary for any relationship in my opinion
Have defined separate and shared financial goals - but emphasize separate
This most likely will differ between every couple but for my partner and I, keeping goals (and accounts) separate is an imperative. If we do get married, our thinking on this may change slightly, but even though we are in a committed and long-term relationship, we both prioritize separate financial goals.
Simply because at this point in our lives we have very different financial goals.
For me, I aim to once and for all pay off my high-interest debt and build my savings.
We are in our mid-20s and understand that we are both still figuring it all out. Therefore, having a clear understanding that our financial goals are different allows each of us to manage expectations.
For example, if my partner’s financial priorities are related to travel, a) he knows that I can’t contribute money to that because of my personal financial goals and b) if he wants to achieve that goal, there is the expectation he does it without me.
In the reverse, if I am looking to make some “big” moves with my financial payments (debt payments and savings), I don’t expect financial help from him to achieve this.
For any shared financial goals (e.g. anything to do with our apartment, a vacation together, activity together, long-term future goals, etc…) this is, expectedly, communicated and split between the both of us.
With that being said, we still have a shared understanding of communicating every financial decision with the other person, primarily to just stay in the loop and be aware of where the other person is at.
Clear and defined “soft” and “hard” financial boundaries
Very early on in our relationship, I established what I call “soft” and “hard” boundaries for my finances.
Examples of hard boundaries include not increasing my debt or not over budgeting by a certain amount.
Examples of soft boundaries include I will spend/allocate more money to this category over another one (flexibility) or have informal financial conversations when deemed necessary.
Many of my soft boundaries are informed by the hard boundaries so the most important thing, in my opinion, is making sure your partner is fully aware of the hard boundaries.
End goal of communication is understanding, not “winning”
Financial or not, one golden rule my partner and I have is that we do not argue to “win” or “make a point” but we argue to understand. What this means for our finances is that if I personally feel uncomfortable or unsure about something, I communicate to vocalize how I am feeling and to understand the position of my partner.
I think it is always important to remember that the key to healthy discussions is genuinely wanting to understand where the other person is coming from and respecting their different viewpoint.
Financial decisions, especially shared, often require compromise from both individuals. Any time we have had differing financial opinions on something, there was never one side that won over the other. It usually meant both of us needed to compromise a little (as long as it did not impose on any hard boundaries).
These are the main four strategies I have employed in setting financial boundaries for romantic relationships.
Just remember that setting boundaries take time, mistakes, and effort. You won’t get it right every single time but it’s a necessary uphill battle to protect your own wellbeing. I believe in all of you!
As always thanks for reading ♡. Where else you can find me:
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